Saturday Justin and I spent the morning and part of the afternoon up in the ICU. He was on a ventilator and couldn't talk and had a million other things hooked up to him as well but he was stable and doing pretty well. The boys love to visit Grandpa any time he is in the hospital and write him little messages on the boards in the hall for when he goes for a walk. This time he wasn't on the 8th floor though. It was different and we weren't sure how they would handle seeing him but they were persistent in asking and we thought it might help cheer Shawn up as well. Sunday we told them they could go visit. Kaiden had just learned to burn things with his magnifying glass and burnt a message into a leaf for Grandpa. He then taught Karson and they both made leaves to take :)
|Burning the leaves|
|"Grandpa and me" by Kaiden|
|"Hope you get better" by Karson|
|"I love you" by Kaiden|
They had to go in one at a time so we let Kaid go first, then Kar and Logan last. The twins both did very well. I was surprised. They told me after that I made it sound worse than it was. They were sweet with him and Shawn asked them to put cold wash cloths on his feet. It was precious to see them be able to serve there grandpa. Logan went in and I thought he was going to burst into tears. It definitely shocked him. As he asked questions and spent more time in the room he got more comfortable. By the time we were getting ready to leave he was watching them put a new iv line in and seemed much better with the situation. Here are some pics from the first time they saw Grandpa in the ICU.
|Kaid when he first went in|
|Grandpa reading his leaf|
|Enjoying his visit with Grandpa|
|Kaid being silly with Grandpa|
|Karson giving his leaf to grandpa|
|Grandpa reading his leaf|
|Grandpa writing a silly note to Kar about burning marshmallows and ants|
|Giggling at silly Grandpa|
|Nervous Logan as Grandma explains the machines|
|feeling a little better|
|Logan and Grandpa|
Monday they took the ventilator out! Things were looking great! We took the boys up excitedly to see Grandpa without the tube down his throat. They couldn't wait to see him and talk to him. We left telling the boys that they wouldn't be back up to the hospital until Friday and that by that time Grandpa would be up on the 8th floor getting close to come home. It was great.
3 AM we got a call. Those calls are never good. Justin rushed up to the hospital. I got the kids ready for school and had my mom wait with them for carpool so I could head up to the hospital myself. The doctors weren't so positive that morning. They said his lungs were worse than when he first went in and were the worst he'd ever seen. They still weren't sure if the pneumonia was bacterial, fungal or viral and couldn't be very aggressive in treating it. On top of that Shawn has a whole slew of other medical obstacles as a result of the cancer and bone marrow rejection from 15 years ago. It wasn't looking so good. Justin and his mom made phone calls. Shawns parents came to the hospital. All his sibling came. Some were in the valley some made the trip from Kanab and Nevada. Soon all the family was there. It was the first time I had to actually consider things not going like I'd hoped. I was trying to hold it together but a pregnant lady is already crazy so it wasn't going so well. I just kept thinking about my boys and it broke my heart. I didn't know what to say or what to do for them.
Shawn was given a blessing. I was wanting him to just be healed. I knew it was possible so just do it! That wasn't the blessing he recieved. Instead he was told if and when he saw fit he had permission to go. It was rough. I don't remember all that was said. I remember Emily and I hugging. He still had a choice though. He had permission to go but not until he was ready. He wasn't ready. He couldn't be ready. I am pregnant and need for this baby to meet his amazing grandpa. My other boys need their awesome grandpa. I need him. We all needed him.
Justin and I went back and forth not knowing what to do about the boys. Last they heard the tube was out and things were great. The tube was back in. Grandpa was discouraged, heavily sedated and thrashing in his restraints. We made the gut wrenching decision to go get them just in case. I had to break there hearts in the car on the way to the hospital by telling them things weren't looking good. They cried. I've never had to do that. Even in the past when there have been close calls before we've never had that conversation. Logan asked how old Grandpa was. I told him 46 and that he'd be 47 in May. Logan's response was "that's not fair! The other grandpa is in his 50's...that's not fair if this grandpa doesn't get to be that old too". I agree with him. Shawn is young. He is so good and so loved by so many. He works in the temple, devotes his entire life to service despite his own challenges and is the funnest guy. The kids made the comment in the car and again at the hospital that they were "bummed out". I don't know why but it made me smile to hear them use such a fitting word.
When we got back to the hospital they had gotten Shawn into a chair and laid off the sedatives. He seemed so much more at peace. He didn't seem to be fighting the ventilator (the first time they put it back in he was able to pull it out even though he was in restraints) and he didn't seem to be in pain. Had we got them earlier it would have been traumatizing I think. Had we waited he wouldn't have been as alert as he was. It was perfect timing. They each went in one at a time with Justin and spent some time with grandpa. I was so relieved to have made the decision to let them come. I for the first time felt like it would be okay no matter what happened. If it went badly the boys wouldn't be as shocked and we could help them understand but we were letting them hope for the best. Justin snapped a photo with each of the boys with Grandpa on that terrible Tuesday.
|Karson and Grandpa|
|Justin and his dad|
|Kaid and Grandpa|
|Shawn, baby and Me|
|Logan and Grandpa|
That night at dinner the kids were filled with questions. They wanted to know if grandpa HAD to go to heaven. They did not want him to. They wanted to know if he went to heaven if he could build a field to shoot in. They wanted to know if he would come get them in their dreams to play with them. It was precious. We all went to bed at home and slept like rocks. We woke up still tired and drained from the night before but grateful to have made it through the night without bad news.
Wednesday things were stable. They had changed his feeding tube which had a kink in it making it difficult for him to get his regular meds he needs to stay alive and his stats seemed better. The nurses came and talked to Shawn about how rough the day before was. One of them made the comment in front of my sister in law that things had been touch and go for a while and she saved his life. I was able to talk to my SIL that day and realized that I wasn't the only one still holding onto hope. She was positive. It was nice to talk to somebody who was helping build my own optimism back up. Call us selfish. Call us naive. Shawn is the most stubborn amazing person and we want and need him to stick around. My mother in law sounded better Wednesday as well. This was turning into quite the roller coaster. I decided the only update the kids would get is that he is still in ICU and we still don't know what is going to happen. I don't want them to go through a million ups and downs.
Yesterday was fantastic! I went up that morning to give RaeLene a little break and Justin and Emily were back at work. Shawn was alert pretty much the whole time. He seemed to be in such better spirits! He was joking about mooning people on his walk and so much like his silly self! He teased the cleaning lady with his squirt bottle and they became friends. He needs to stay sitting for a certain amount of time after he walks and he's usually exhausted and ready to get back in bed afterwards so he asked me to move the clock ahead so he could get back in bed sooner :) He has had so many neighbors, ward members and family come visit. The nurses all say he's the most popular person in the ICU :) He is stable and seemed really good! The doctor came in and said it was going to be a long and hard process but that he is working hard and doing his part. His lungs still look terrible but they did say that typically the patient feels better before they can see the difference in the CT Scan or ultrasound. I'm thinking it will still be a few days before the ventilator can come back out but I am thinking it WILL come out! We are seeing miracles! We've seen them before with Shawn and are getting to witness them again. Thank you for the prayers, love, support and acts of kindness helping us through this tough time. We feel so loved and I know Shawn does too! Here is a little note he wrote to me yesterday that shows his goofy loving personality :)
He went from being able to speak and communicate 2000 WPM to one if we're lucky :) Well we'll take that one WPM and are so proud of him for continuing to fight for us!