Sunday, June 18, 2017

Getting off the crazy train

Here we are again. Another sleepless night. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be not tired again. The week you lose somebody is so incredibly exhausting. The emotions and ups and downs you feel in one day physically take a toll. I guess I was hoping after the funeral it would calm down. I still have surprise stings that make me burst (or want to burst) into tears. I get angry. I get trapped in thought. I forget. I laugh. It's still just a roller coaster. Then night comes and I'm exhausted and drift off to sleep easily only to awake after a couple hours to my mind racing. Sometimes 1:00AM today I made it clear to 3:00 before checking the clock.

Here is the thing. When my mom was mom. She was AMAZING! The best of the best! I worshiped her and wanted to be just like her. My teenage years were rocky. I was rebellious, she divorced my dad, remarried a jerk and divorced again all in a short time span. But sometime close to graduation (you know, when life is about to hit you in the face and you start to think maybe your parents might actually know a thing or two) things started to improve again and got to a point where they were great again.
I moved to Arizona and she was down there visiting almost every month and at least every other month. We talked daily on the phone and I counted down to the next visit. We road tripped together and I finally moved back to Utah and shortly after she did too. Then we still road tripped together (to see my brother) and on top of that I was at her house almost daily. She fed me and my family dinner probably half the days of the week on any given week. She babysat for me, ran errands with me, went to functions with me. Life was normal and sometimes hard but good. I loved my mom. I didn't realize how lucky I was to be in a good spot with her.

Things got rough again a few years ago. We had some tough times consecutively for several years. That is a long time to go through what we went through.  My mom dealt with some demons and it definitely strained our relationship. It got to a point I told her she couldn't babysit my kids. I crushed her. A few months after that she ended up moving out of state again. The past year (probably more actually but I was so harsh and closed off to her) my mom had made huge changes and huge strides. She was getting it together. Our relationship was on the mend. I was getting my mom back! She was an amazing grandma and Liam was her best friend. She moved in with me in March and was so helpful with babysitting, laundry and just talking. I was still so cautious though. I didn't give her the credit or even encouragement that she deserved. I have so much guilt. Over the 3 months she was here we made memories and had some good times. But there was also so much wasted time. And I still probably made her feel like some what of a burden for being here. There was so much unsaid and unresolved on my end. She had always been loving and kind and helpful regardless of my attitude towards her. I don't feel like she feels like she left anything unsaid. I wish I could say the same.

The thing is I know logically guilt is natural thing when it comes to grieving. And I think if she could speak to me she'd tell me not to feel guilty. But logic is over powered by emotion especially in the dead of night and I can feel myself getting crazier. I can't help but not only feel guilty but start to question everything. Did she know I loved her? Is she mad at me? Is she okay? Is she okay that she died? She sent me two texts Saturday, both of which I ignored. Regret is a tough thing to live with. The first text said she wasn't babysitting for my brother that weekend so if I wanted to spend time with her she was free (and of course finished with "I love you") but she had just left my house Friday and I was going to see her Wednesday and she was staying with me through Friday again. Since I had things planned already I just went about my Saturday. Her last text to me was asking for a fan because the AC at my brothers house wasn't working. I ignored it because I was right in the middle of doing primary assignments for the next three months (it takes me about 2 hours and I was right in the thick of it). I even picked up my phone to respond but decided it could wait until I talked to her next (again taking her and our time for granted). A few hours later she was gone. No warning. Just gone.

Did heat play a factor in her death? What if I would have texted back? What if I had called? My sister and I spent that Saturday together, why didn't we go get her? What could have been different? We got rec center passes together and I'd been making her go walk while I ran and I made her walk the mall with me, that on top of babysitting and the stress of moving from a different state with little support or help from me, did that all play into it? Even as I write that, logically I can hear how dumb it is but I can't help but wonder what I could've or should've done different to make a difference!
Was she trying to get up for help or had she sat down when whatever happened happened? Did she feel or know something was happening when she died? Was she scared? Was she in pain? Will we ever know what caused her death or will I be haunted with questions forever? I'm so sorry she had to die alone.

I replay the last weekend. I replay the last 3 months. I replay the last 5 years and I replay my whole life. So many good memories. So many regrets. There were so many blessings the last 3 months. But that weekend. Why that weekend? Why so fast? Why so unexpectedly? Why right when I got her back and my kids had gotten used to having an awesome grandma around all the time.

I realize this post is probably a little depressing. But the sun will be up in a few hours and my house will get noisy and busy and I know I'll be fine. Believe it or not, every day since she's been gone I've still overall had good days and I think I've even laughed every day but I've also had lows and tears. I'm still tired all the time and still feel like I'm just surviving. That is somewhat normal. I think. But I'm trying. I'm doing normal things and trying to get back into my routine, sitting around feeling sad isn't going to get me anywhere, so I figure if I want to feel normal again (or find a new normal I guess is more accurate) I've got to get up and start moving. It's hard to get back to normal when somebody who was such a big part of your normal day is gone but I'm celebrating the little victories and trying. I just can't seem to get off this crazy train at night so hopefully putting a few of the random thoughts in writing will help me sort through everything. 

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