Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Run Away

I can't write about the past week yet. I'm still digesting. I am still feeling so many emotions at once. Among the many emotions I have regrets. And oddly one of those regrets is getting so bad at blogging the past 6 months. My mom had moved back to Utah and lived with me and I didn't write a single thing down. I knew a couple weeks ago that I needed to get better (I couldn't have guessed why) and wrote a couple posts but just never got back into the groove. I know I need to write about last week before I forget and have more regrets for not doing it. Writing is usually therapeutic for me too but right now I just want to post about our weekend getaway.

Sunday morning (the morning my mom passed away) we were looking at booking a cabin at a KOA for the following weekend so we could go to Shoshone Falls. For some reason I hesitated to click the "book" button and decided we should wait until after church and look more closely at it. Within a few minutes of getting to church my world was forever changed and flipped upside down.

We survived the week somehow. Josh packed up and left first thing Saturday. Everyone had to get back to their lives and I was expected to jump back in myself. I looked at the calendar for the upcoming week. I saw the day my mom was supposed to come back from Brandon's and stay at my house. I thought I was going to have a panic attack just thinking about life starting back up but not being normal. It was overwhelming. Not having the funeral to plan and family and friends around to distract me was terrifying. We loaded up and ran away. Literally.

We drove to Twin Falls, Idaho like we had planned to the week prior (just a day later). We decided to stay in a tent instead of a cabin. We set up camp and hung around the KOA. The drive down wasn't bad, but it was off. I think we all just felt heavy instead of carefree like normal.
That night our neighbors in the tent next to us had two toddlers who were screaming and crying all night. It was a long night. Finally at 4AM they started packing up to head out. I had to potty so Justin walked with me and the guy apologized to us when we were walking past and mentioned his daughter has leg aches (kinda funny because me and my mom get them so badly and Justin swears we're nuts and says they're called "growing pains" and we're done growing so we can't have them. So it was nice to rub that in his face a little that somebody outside my family has them and calls them what we do). Super nice people but not who I want to camp next to again any time soon. I've gotten used to little to no sleep over the past week but it was discouraging to have another night laying awake trapped in my thoughts.

Justin built that trailer and this was it's maiden voyage!


boys tent set up

Mom, dad and Liam tent set up


first campsite all set up for Saturday night



Liam's smile just brightens everything!

twinlets and their souvenir hats




trying to warm my blanket and body before sprinting to the potty haha

There was a dock and some paddle boats at the campsite

freezing before breakfast in the morning
Sunday the kids were all up early and we were off to Shoshone Falls. The falls were gorgeous! We spent the day hiking around them and enjoying nature. We also stumbled upon the Evel Knievel jump site. Very fitting for the group text with me and my siblings. Anyone seen the movie Hot Rod? It's stupid, hilarious and probably inappropriate. The main character also happens to look and act exactly like my brother did at age 16. My siblings and I all stayed up late Friday night to watch it and laugh together. I didn't realize the jump site was right next to the falls so when we stumbled across it I couldn't help but think it was more than a coincidence that we decided to run away to that spot. My siblings were all struggling after we'd all gone our separate ways too so it was nice to chat and laugh through text about that.
Pictures don't do it justice! So spectacular!

There was a double rainbow at the bottom of the falls after lunch






We hiked up and around to this small (in comparison to the other falls) waterfall


Amazing views and different angles of the falls as you hike up the canyon


Hulk Smash!


This is above the smaller waterfall looking down at the river

And the falls are off to the left when you reach the top





Liam rolling down the hill and then we had a picnic lunch

trying to capture the rainbows


This is crossing over the snake river to get to Shoshone falls

The bridge is massive!

Justin and the boys are on the bridge to the right in this photo

Parachuter

We watched them jump off the bridge


Making me proud!



All the look outs jut out over the cliffs. Amazing views but slightly terrifying haha


Pond at the park next to Shoshone Falls




climbing up what's left of the steep hill

the canyon he attempted (and failed) to jump


Liam loved this little sign and kept telling us "this was his plan! Look at the plan!" lol


Sunday afternoon we went back to camp and I went into the clubhouse to work on thank you cards. I realized that I hadn't really run away at all. A heavy heart will follow you where ever you go. I enjoyed our time at the falls and even laughed a little but I feel disconnected somehow. Like I'm not really fully enjoying things and part of me is gone or something. Probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people but I just can't fully feel joy right now. I had prolonged and procrastinated getting back to life long enough. I was actually looking forward to getting back home and back to life just to try to feel a little more normal and try to pick myself back up. That alone felt like a huge victory to me.
Playing at the little camp park

Liam found a frog

backflips into the pool




As I had come to this realization the wind kicked up and blew the boys tent away. A branch from a tree fell and crushed a neighbors boat they had at the campsite. The weather was wild and it looked like a cartoon of chaos. It was the kind of thing my mom lived to hear about! Every trip or outing I can think of with my mom has some sort of ordeal or craziness involved (like when we drove to California by mistake trying to get from Arizona to Utah-true story!) but she just always laughed! She loved sharing the crazy stories with others and she loved hearing the ones her kids encountered without her. Turns out I'm not much of a tent camper anyway so I was grateful for the bad weather because we were able to get a killer deal on the cabin we were originally going to book for the second night.
running through the wind to catch the tent pinned up against the car

tree on boat



double set of bunkbeds in one room


queen in the other. Nothing fancy but so much better than the tent!


cute little cabin

s'mores for breakfast since it was too windy the night before




drove past the temple on the way home



We got home Monday and I did well and tried to stay busy. The boys went to a play that night with RaeLene so I was home alone for the first time and had to do laundry. Laundry is my least favorite chore to begin with. It happened to be my moms favorite. After every trip (including Disneyland from just a couple weeks ago) my mom would always say to me on my way home "Save your laundry for me and show me your pictures!" She would come and do laundry and look at the pictures from our trip. I can't tell you how many times I woke up and it was like the laundry fairy had come. As I rotated laundry that Monday I had a full on meltdown. I didn't think it was possible to hate laundry any more than I already did but apparently it's possible as I full on ugly cried and wished I had more time or at least knew that her leaving was coming! I was fine again within 10 minutes. I'm sure it will be the little things like that, that pop up and make it hurt all over again.

Moral of the story is I tried to run away. I'm glad I did. It got me to the point that I was ready to try to get back up. I'm glad I'm back home. It's different. It's hard. I'm trying. I hope my friends, family and most of all my kids can be patient with me as I get back into a routine and deal with those little heartaches that pop up.

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