Monday, June 19, 2017

Sacrament and Sleep

Oh the difference one sacrament meeting and a good nights sleep can make! Yesterday was stake conference, it was Fathers Day and I really didn't want to go to church. I had some anxiety about going too (last time I was there I got the call my had passed and then we had the funeral there) I had plenty of excused not to go but my family was going so I went too. That meeting was for me!
The first speaker had lost her dad just a couple months ago to Alzheimers. What a terrible disease! It gave me some clarity and made me thankful my mom didn't suffer and I didn't have to watch her deteriorate for years. I didn't have to make tough decisions about care homes or other things of that nature. I can't say that I'm grateful my mom left so suddenly but I can recognize it could've been worse too. Their were some other good messages as well.
The last speaker (our Stake President) lost his dad May 1 of this year. He talked about holidays on our calendars like Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipper. Rosh Hashana is a Jewish holiday roughly translated to the blasting of trumpets signifying "the beginning". Jews and Mormons are closely related and he talked about the history of it. Then he gave the date Joseph Smith was given the plates which happens to be the same day that across the world the Jews were blasting their trumpets signifying the beginning. That day picked to give the plates was not by happenstance. Things are done when they're done for a reason--there is a bigger picture! We forget or get frustrated when we can't see it or when we are in pain and missing somebody but things really do happen for a reason.
I cried. I had literally just hours before written a post agonizing about the timing of everything. My nights of worry and anguish were heard and I was reminded to trust in Gods timing. The closing song right after that talk was the same song we sang at my mom's funeral. Again--to much coincidence to be a coincidence. You know those people that say a certain meeting was for them? I've heard it. In the past I've felt enlightened but never have I ever been so certain something was for me as I was this particular meeting. This meeting was for me! I know I needed to be there. I know that I've been pouring from my own cup for so long without refilling it that it's almost completely gone. I need to take time to grieve but also recognize my blessings and the angels (both earthly and heavenly) that have been with me!

While I'm on my sharing high there are two other things I want to mention for my own memories sake.  

Justin has an Aunt (his dad's sister) who I swear has a direct phone line to God haha. When I posted about my mom on facebook she commented that on Thursday (3 days before my mom's passing) she was prompted to put my family's names on the temple prayer rolls. Then she texted me and told me the whole story. Here is her message.

And the third experience that stands out is very personal. When I first got the news I didn't believe it. How could she be gone so fast? How could I not have felt it? The prayer I didn't dare say out loud but carried in my heart that whole week was to feel my mom. There is an after life right? So just let me feel her! The day of the funeral I had to run home to get a pin I wanted to put in her hands before closing the casket. I had just fixed her hair, gotten everything ready and needed to hurry back before the viewing started. It was the first time I was alone. I was driving home and I felt my mom. I felt her gratitude. I knew she wanted me to hear that she was grateful and saying Thank You I knew she wanted my siblings to know as well. It was the first time I felt her and hopefully not the last. It's nice to have that reassurance that yes, our loved ones are aware of us and are routing for us!

I know this post doesn't really flow and is weird. But these three moments stand out to me over the past two weeks and I never want to forget them. I never knew you could feel so strong when also feeling broken and I'm grateful for these experiences during this hard time. 

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